


The End Of What We Know

by bandfic



Category: Mortal Instruments Series - Cassandra Clare, Shadowhunter Chronicles - Cassandra Clare
Genre: AU, Angst, BoyxBoy, Drunken Confessions, First Kiss, First Meetings, Fluff, Human, Human AU, Love Confessions, M/M, Magnus Bane and Alec Lightwood First Meet, Shadowhunters - Freeform, idk - Freeform, just shite, man
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-02
Updated: 2016-05-02
Packaged: 2018-05-31 02:39:08
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,225
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6452182
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bandfic/pseuds/bandfic
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After accidentally confessing his love to his best friend, Alec Lightwood seeks comfort in a mysterious stranger named Magnus.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The End Of What We Know

**Author's Note:**

> Another shadowhunters fic!!! This one is set as if they're actually human, just to avoid confusion.
> 
> There'll be more to come for this, maybe like another two parts if you're interested (maybe not that's okay too) but enjoy this for now! Thanks for reading!

Alec felt sick. He stared down at the marble floor, trying to ignore his rising temperature, and the fact the room appeared to be spinning. He could have wrote that off as a side effect of the alcohol, but it was more than that. Alec had gotten in bad states from over drinking before, but this wasn't like that. It felt different, and there was no brushing over why that was. 

"I'm sorry," Jace kept speaking, and Alec snapped back into the room, the sound of his friends voice directing him back into the dark reality. Alec kept his eyes pinned on the ground, unable to look up due to the crushing fear that if he saw Jace looking at him like that then he'd not be able to hold in his tears. Alec Lightwood didn't cry - and certainly not over boys. "Alec, look at me. Talk to me. Anything. Just please...I'm so fucking sorry Alec, please-"

"Why didn't you tell me sooner?" Alec suddenly choked. It was one of the many questions buzzing around his head at that moment, but possibly not the most important. "And why now?" The timing was the worst, but that wasn't the biggest issue. Alec was simply avoiding thinking, or at least talking, about the real problem he had with Jace's confession.

"I couldn't lie to you anymore Alec," Jace explained, his voice shaking. He was aware that every sentence he spoke was going to change everything, but he didn't want to ruin everything. He feared, rightfully so, that it was too late - maybe it was already ruined. Alec wasn't giving him much of an indication either way - just staring blank-faced at the ground as if he was having an intense stare off with someone. Only, they were the only two people in the room, and Alec wasn't one for eye contact anyway but, Jace wanted nothing more than for Alec to just look at him. He really needed that reassurance. "But there was never a good time and then tonight just made it easier - plus, I was kind of running out of time anyway. Figured, fuck it, so I told you." 

"That's bullshit," Alec said it quietly at first, but then it suddenly hit him: this was happening and Jace wasn't joking, he meant every word he said and there was nothing that Alec could do to change his mind. Alec stood up, the sickness inside of his stomach worsening with the sudden movements, and the room shaking even more violently than before. He was boiling, but mostly with rage. How could Jace do this to him? "Bullshit!" He yelled, kicking the corner of the couch with all the force in his body, which did more damage to the sole of his foot than the sturdy couch. He wanted to cry, but Alec Lightwood didn't do that, not ever. 

"I'm sorry," Jace repeated, but the words didn't really matter, not to Alec. Sorry wasn't going to change anything. 

"When do you leave?" Alec asked, his voice cracked as he spoke and he turned back around, facing Jace for the first time. Jace stared at him, Alec looked like a different person. A damaged person. His eyes glassy with tears that he simply refused to let fall, and his hair was messed from all the times his fingers that had run through it during the course of the conversation, and his lips were dry and cracked, his nostrils frozen in the flared position on his face, giving him a confused, hurt expression that made Jace feel all the more guilty about his decision. But not guilty enough to change it. Alec just looked kind of messed up. 

Alec was definitely 'a kind of' messed up, but he was his own, crazy version of it. Not even Jace knew what was going through the guys head, and he knew Alec better than anyone did. 

"Five days," Jace told him, closing his eyes so that he didn't have to see the crumpled, agonizing expression across Alec's usually bright, beautiful face. "It's too late for me to back out now - even if I wanted to, Alec." 

"And do you want to?" Alec quizzed, swallowing back the lump in his throat. He ran his hands through his hair once again, pivoting and then turning back around to sit on the couch again. He didn't know what to do with his limbs, his entire body felt wrong and out of place, but he settled with sitting on the couch normally, his arms folded across his chest and his legs stapled firmly to the ground so that he didn't have to keep awkwardly moving them around. Jace continued staring at him whilst he contemplated the answer to Alec's God-awful question, knowing that Alec needed the answer. 

"I guess I want to stay," Jace replied eventually, "I wouldn't ever want to leave you on purpose like that, but I have to, Alec, don't you get that?" No, he really didn't. Alec couldn't see the point. Jace was too invested in his future, he had all these career goals and aspirations, but Alec never understood why. He didn't aspire for anything but a happy future surrounded by people that he adored - Jace being the top of that list. He despised that Jace was leaving, how could he not? But more than that, he despised that Jace wasn't satisfied by the idea of a simple future with him and the rest of their friends. Why did he have to fuck off and leave them? Did Jace really believe it would be worth losing them? Or even risking that?

That was the one thing that had always divided Jace and Alec. They had different priorities, different ideas of joy. Alec was made happy by people - some more than others - whereas Jace was made happy by a mixture of all things, be that people or money or stability or luxuries. Alec never understood that Jace couldn't have all of that in Brooklyn, but he couldn't. Jace knew exactly what he wanted, and evidently, he didn't care whether his friends supported that or not, he intended to go after it.

"So why are you leaving?" Alec whispered with a strong, icy tone. Jace stared at him. "If you really wanted to stay, then you would. But you're leaving. You're fucking abandoning me-"

"You think that's what I'm doing?" Jace scoffed. Alec nodded, but he didn't dare look at Jace. "You selfish prick." 

"What?" Alec blurted, surprised at the sudden insult, and in all honesty hurt by it. He hated getting insulted, and so it stung even more when the insult came from someone that he cared so much about.

"I can't believe that you think this is about you," Jace hissed, standing up and staring down at Jace - for once forcing Alec to be the one looking up to him. "I'm doing this for me, Alec. I'm doing it because I need to do this, to help me, to make me happy, don't you see that? I don't want to leave you all behind, but that can't be helped. It isn't my fault the course is in Detroit, alright? It's not about you, for once-"

"Nothing in your life is ever about me Jace," Alec cut in, their anger levels matching. He stood up, asserting his physical dominance over Jace (though his only real advantage was height) and stared down at Jace, who returned an equally cold glare. "You don't give a fuck about me, you didn't think to tell me you were leaving until now! That tells me all I need to know about how you feel about me."  
And it stung. It hurt like a little bitch, but Alec refused to show it. No tears. No fucking tears. Jace had never seen him cry, that wasn't going to change at this point. 

"I was trying to save your feelings," Jace protested, "I knew you'd be upset, and I was right! You're acting like we'll never see each other again! You're making me feel guilty about pursuing what I love, do you know that says about you, Alec? You're acting like a complete asshole and I don't get why. It's not the end of the world, Alec, you know how to function without me! You don't need me to live, alright? Why is this such a big deal for you? I thought you'd be fucking happy for me!" The shouting stopped after that. Alec couldn't bring himself to respond straight away, and the room was left silent with the two of them having a quickly softening stare out, until Alec eventually took a step back and stared down at the ground. 

He noted that the room had stopped spinning, and he no longer felt ill, but he was still hot - sweating in fact, and his thoughts were all so jumbled up among his feelings. After a few long seconds of painful silence, Alec spoke again, "It's not that I don't want to be happy for you," He explained, his voice shaking as he tried to string the sentence together. It was proving difficult, not knowing which words to use and what he really meant or what he was trying to say, but he went along with what felt right. "I just don't know how to be happy for you when I'm so fucking sad for me." 

"Why the hell are you sad for you?" Jace questioned, almost laughing at the absurd statement. He was clueless, and it wasn't until that moment that Alec realized how little Jace knew. All the hints that had gone unnoticed, all the time that Jace had spent oblivious whilst Alec conducted and orchestrated situations specifically so that he'd figure it all out. All of it...and none of it had mattered, because Jace, the unobservant fuck, knew nothing.

"Because I'm madly in love with you and you're fucking leaving me," Alec knew what he'd said, he knew that he meant it, and he knew that he was going to regret it with his entire mind, body and soul the day, but right at that moment, it felt like the only thing he could have said.

"You're what?" Jace was quick to respond, taking an immediate step back. He was shaken by the confession, confused, shocked and overwhelmed yet not angry or upset. If anything, it made him feel less so. "Alec..." 

"I'm sorry," It was Alec's turn to apologize, but for a quite a different reason. "I'm so sorry. I wish I didn't, but I do. Always have." It was all coming out now, the stream had begun and it wasn't going to stop just yet. He wasn't ready to stop yet. Keeping it to himself had been difficult, and there was almost a sense of relief now that it was out in the open, though there was still a lot more to be said for the both of them.

"But you're..." Jace realized two words into the statement, that it was wrong. Alec, quite evidently, was not straight. "Oh fuck. Fuck. Fuck!" 

"I can't help it," Alec stammered, beginning to pace. He felt the weight of the situation, but he didn't want to. He didn't want to think about how this changed everything, and how Jace was probably going to stop talking to him now, and how they'd never see each other again if Jace left and oh fuck-

Alec was crying.

Alec Lightwood did not cry. Yet there he was, in the middle of Jace's apartment, tears running down his cheeks in what felt like an endless stream. And surprisingly enough, he felt like that was the worst part - Jace was seeing him cry. Jace was watching him break, and Alec felt completely exposed, as if he might as well be stood butt naked for all Jace could see of him. Hell, he knew he'd rather be stood butt naked than crying like the bitch he was.

"Don't fucking cry Alec," Jace pleaded, however it was kind of too late for that, the tears weren't going to stop any time soon, and asking him not to cry wasn't helping any. It made Jace feel equally as uncomfortable though; Alec was usually so strong and masculine, it was odd to see him look so fragile and afraid. It was even worse knowing that he was the cause of that. "Please."

"I'm sorry," Alec sobbed, trying to wipe his eyes with his jacket sleeves. His voice was thick and desperate and neither of them liked the sound of it. Jace wanted to pull him into a hug and rock his friend back and forth, promise that everything would be alright, but he didn't do that because he knew that wasn't going to make things better, only worse. Alec didn't need that kind of reassurance, and Jace wasn't willing to give it. 

"This isn't your fault," Jace told him, but Alec didn't believe him for a second. "I didn't even realize you had anyone to care about like that...never thought for a second it was me."

"I'm sorry," Alec repeated, "I need to go. I need to get out." He turned around, wiping his eyes and rushing towards the door. Jace was quick and eager to follow, bounding up behind him and grabbing his friends wrists tightly. 

"Not yet, please," Jace begged, "Alec! We're not done talking. Fuck. I have so many questions and-"

"You're leaving," Alec cut in, shaking his head, "You're leaving, but at least now you know how I feel about you. You don't have to stay in touch, if you don't want. I get that, but I can't stay and-"

"Alec," Jace whispered, unsure of what else to say. Suddenly, all of those questions had been forgotten. He just didn't want their goodbye to be like this. After almost a lifetime of friendship, he felt they deserved something better than this. No ending could be a good one, not after something like this, but they deserved a dignified goodbye at least. "Please don't go leave this. Please." Alec thought about it for a few seconds, but he knew that he'd regret staying. It could only get worse, and Jace was leaving anyway so what did any of it matter? He wasn't going to turn around and tell him the feeling was mutual, nor would he change his mind about the course and stay. "Don't you dare leave like this Alec." Jace said, though it sounded more desperate than cold.

"Watch me," Alec whispered. He leaned forward, pressed a small kiss to Jace's forehead, which wasn't exactly the kiss he'd spent half his life dreaming of, but it was the closest he could have, and at this point Alec was willing to take what he could get. "Goodbye Jace."

Jace watched him leave, just as Alec had told him to (although he hadn't quite meant it so literally) and then slammed the door shut, wondering how everything had gotten so fucked up so fast.

-

Seven blocks away, in some cheap nightclub, Alec was thinking the exact same thing. 

It was the first place he'd found that looked decent enough. He'd downed three more shots since arriving, and was flinging himself about in the middle of a crowded dance floor. 

It was his attempt at letting go, but it wasn't going all that well. He thought the alcohol would have helped to clear his head more, but it did nothing more than make him feel more careless - it had loosened him up in the worst way possible, and opened the gates to self destruction, but that's what he thought he wanted, or so the alcohol told him that. The loud music was supposed to drown out his own thoughts, but all it did was make them scream louder over it. And the people? They were mere distractions, only they weren't working all that well. Alec was not distracted.

After ten minutes of drunken 'dancing' he retreated to the bar, buying a proper drink and then going to take a seat in one of the booths by the side of the dance floor. Two of them were empty, and Alec took the one nearest to the door. He sat, slurping his drink and watching the drunken students try to flirt, dance and socialize. His eyes were drawn to the people, but his mind was still on Jace, wondering if he'd made a mistake leaving him. Staying wouldn't have changed anything though, Jace had his mind set on leaving, and the other thing was beyond his control. 

He finished the drink in under five minutes, and returned to the bar again, leaning right across it as he waited to be served, staring at the multi-colored bottles lining the wall. Alec didn't notice the man beside him, chuckling at his incredibly dazed and drunken state.

"How many shots have you had?" The man asked. Alec heard him, but he didn't turn to physically acknowledge the guy.

"Those bottles are pretty," He replied, tilting his head. The man laughed again, and Alec turned to look at him, grinning foolishly. "What's funny?"

"You're wasted," The man shrugged. He took a step closer to Alec, talking into his ear so that he didn't have to yell over the music. "Or maybe you're just a little weird."

"Both," Alec said. He turned to look at the guy beside him. There was a clear height difference, but not an awkward one, plus the quiff on the man's head gave him another three inches. He was Chinese, and wore sparkly liner underneath his eyes. Alec took note of how pretty he was before anything else.

"What's your name?" He asked.

"Alec." 

"What's your drink?" He inquired. 

"Something alcoholic," Alec snorted, "What's your drin- I mean name, what's your name?" He laughed at himself, then stood up properly, running his hand through his hair.

"Magnus," The man said, "Nice to meet you, Alec." His name rolled of Magnus's tongue with ease, and they both secretly liked the way it sounded. Magnus was served first, and ordered himself three shots, and Alec just one (because he didn't exactly need much more, did he?)

But seven shots later, they found themselves screaming along lyrics they didn't even know that they knew on a dance floor surrounded by equally as drunken strangers dancing against people who were probably too drunk to even know where they were. Alec wasn't complaining though, it was what he had wanted to do, because Jace wasn't on his mind anymore.

When they eventually retreated back to the seating area, Alec felt much calmer, and Jace was completely out of his mind. It was as if he'd forgotten the previous events of the night, the entire reason he'd come to the club was to find a distraction, and it had actually worked. Magnus was the best distraction Alec could have asked for. Every word he spoke, Alec was clinging to, as if in complete awe of the man he'd just met. 

"Do you come here often?" Magnus asked him. They were sat far too close on in a booth meant for far more than just two people, but neither of them had noticed. Or at least, neither of them were going to acknowledge what it suggested.

"Never," Alec admitted, "This is my second time. Do you?" His first experience had been far, far worse. He'd been reluctant to come, but Clary, Simon and Jace had dragged him along anyway and he'd spent the whole night babysitting Simon because the kid couldn't handle his drinks. The things he did for Jace - and yet he was leaving him anyway. All alone with Clary and Simon. Alec hadn't passed a thought of that side of things before - having nobody but his sister and two friends that he merely tolerated because he loved Jace, and Jace claimed to love them. Or at least Clary - he definitely loved Clary.

Alec realized only then that his mind had gone back to Jace. It wasn't supposed to do that. He was trying to forget, and failing miserably.

"I come here all the time," Magnus replied, vaguely aware of the suddenly glum expression on Alec's face. He didn't comment on it though, wondering if that would piss the guy off more, or bring something up that wasn't his place to. "I knew I hadn't seen you before. You've got a face I'd remember." Alec blushed at that, but the lighting disguised it, and instead it just brightened the smile that had formed on his face. But the hanging feeling inside of his stomach wasn't gone because of one nice compliment. He was still aware of the fresh ache inside of his stomach, the pain reminding him that everything was different now.

Still, Alec wasn't used to being hit on, especially not by guys, and girls didn't try with him. They expected him to flirt with them, only he had no interest in doing so and was too shy and ashamed to ever go for guys in public. It was why his love life hadn't gone beyond a couple of Grindr meet ups and awkward online conversations with people that didn't appeal to him in the slightest. It was then that Alec realized that Magnus was probably way more experienced than him, and he was right in assuming so. 

Magnus wasn't the king of monogamy, or relationships at all, but he didn't consider himself fairly good in the sheets, and he had full intention to show Alec just how good he was.

"Um, thanks, I think," Alec replied, bowing his head awkwardly. He began to giggle at his own awkward response, and Magnus joined in. 

"What brought you here tonight then?" Magnus quizzed, leaning back against the leather seat. He didn't know that the question would mean anything to Alec, why would he? But the question struck a chord within Alec, and he felt his chest tighten as if he were going to start crying again. Magnus noted the change in his face, the way his eyebrows had furrowed and his eyes dodged contact with everything and anything. He didn't want to think about it, and that was clear. "Spontaneous?" 

"Something like that," Alec mumbled, trying to push out the thoughts of Jace that were flooding into his mind. 

"It's nice to get out sometimes," Magnus said, "Everyone has to escape somehow." 

"Yeah," Alec agreed, "I find getting absolutely hammered a real effective method." Magnus laughed at that, and the sound it almost made Alec feel brighter. It was such a nice sound, so positive and raw and real. Nothing like his own, dry, dull chuckles. 

"So this is escapism for you?" Magnus asked, curiosity getting the better of him. He kind of knew that he prying into fairly personal things, which was something that Magnus tended to avoid doing upon first meeting someone, but Alec was a mystery to him - so beautiful yet so clearly blind to that. He had a dark, yet magnetic energy to him and Magnus couldn't look away, try as he might. He was actually interested in someone for more than just their face. 

Not to say that Alec's face wasn't doing anything for Magnus, because in all honesty, it definitely was. 

"I can't escape," Alec said, softly. He smiled again, for some odd reason, finding it almost funny. This was too dark and dramatic for him. "What about you, Magnus? How do you escape?" Magnus laughed, took a swing of his drink, then looked at Alec, wondering if he was asking for the truth or for himself. 

"I have nothing to escape from," Magnus lied, smiling. Alec couldn't help but match the grin. 

"So there's nothing in your life you want to change right now?" Alec asked, knowing that his own answer would be 'yes, everything'. Magnus, on the other hand, simply shrugged. 

"Do you always get deep when you're drunk?" Magnus replied, leaning forward again. Alec copied the action, shifting closer and ignoring exactly what that insinuated about him. 

"I usually get laid when I'm drunk," Alec sneered, giggling at himself. Magnus laughed too, mostly because it was he could relate. Alec was slightly exaggerating, but he wasn't entirely wrong. The few occasions where he dared to do such things only occurred when he was drunk past the point of shame, such as right now. "This is a first for me." 

"Me too," Magnus mumbled, giggling, "I've usually at least kissed someone by now." That was all the hint Alec needed in his alchohol-addled brain, it was the go-ahead sign. Not that he needed much more, he just wanted to forget Jace, distract himself, and this was definitely one way to do that. Alec leaned in, his hands taking a grip around Magnus's face as their lips brushed together. It was what both of them had wanted to do since the minute they saw each other, and Magnus was relieved it was actually happening, not that he had expected things to go any other way. Rejection wasn't something he faced often, and from the sloppy, desperate way Alec was kissing him rejection definitely wasn't going to be on the cards tonight. Or at least Magnus hoped. 

When he pulled away, Alec leaned back in again, desperate, Magnus kissed him softly and then stood up, beckoning Alec to follow. "We should go somewhere else."


End file.
